Deep Thinking….

I have been doing some deep thinking and it’s mostly been about HRT and transitioning as I do see myself as female, but I am conflicted as to what I want to do. I never thought I something like this would come up in my life again that’s right I said again, I remember when I was about 12 I used to pray to God to make me a girl or make me dream of being a girl so I could see if my life would be different if I were born a girl instead of a boy, but nothing which then started me down a path to question my faith which didn’t help at all. Then when I was 14 I used to write in my underwear “pussy or dick”, I also used to lay on my bed with the door to my room locked and tuck my penis between my legs and just look down at what to me made me feel as if I was a girl. I know I should have brought this up when I was going to therapy, but it didn’t bother me as it does now. When I look in the mirror I don’t know who’s staring back at me it’s odd and it’s weird that something like this that was a bothering factor in my school days would go away for years and then come back at the least opportune time in my life, but maybe it didn’t go away it was just a contributing factor to me not wanting to socialize with many people. As a child I didn’t talk much because when I was a year old I came down with meningitis and after a seizure I slipped back to being a six month old and my mom had to teach me how to do everything all over again from walking, talking, and potty training after which I was in speech therapy to help as curtain letters I couldn’t pronounce properly and because of that I didn’t really talk unless I had to throughout my school years most teachers thought I spoke a different language because I didn’t talk. Then when I was in Jr High(Middle School) and I did talk because I have a higher voice then most of my peers I was picked on because of it, there was even I rumor going around the school that I was gay because I wasn’t trying to hit on every girl that was in the school and because of the fact that in gym class I would just sit with the girls and whenever there was something I didn’t want to join in on some the girls didn’t mind, but others thought it was weird for me to be doing that if I wasn’t gay which reminds me a time when a boy tried to call me gay to my face because I was hanging around with the girls in gym class until I called him out by saying, “Who’s gayer the guy hanging with all girls or the guy hanging with six dudes.” that pissed him off he tried to start a fight with me thinking I would stand up to him, but he was wrong about that and backed down as soon as I stood up and he never bothered me again. Even when I moved to Florida I was still somewhat shy, but the feelings of wanting to be a girl were gone so I thought nothing of it and applied for the Job Corps which was the best thing I’ve done in my life as I made some new friends and gained a skill in culinary arts I was supposed to go back after Christmas break, but couldn’t get a ride to the grayhound bus station so I had to call them and inform them that I wasn’t returning to the center. Then I moved back to Massachusetts and that was fun as I lived with a my mom’s friend and watched her kids while she was at work then I moved in with my grandmother until she died and then had to plan for my mother to visit as my grandmother then she got sick which made it so my mother couldn’t move back to Florida as she had to help me care for her as my mom has CNA training and when my grandmother died I worked out a deal with her landlord to stay in the apartment and pay him $200 a month to supplement the $500 a month my grandmother’s friend was paying so in total he was getting $700 a month from us and I liked that arrangement as I had my own space and could come and go as I pleased, but he had decided that he didn’t want to be a landlord anymore and sold the building to someone he knew I tried to work out the same deal with him and his wife, but it didn’t work out so I had to move back in with my mom which is where I live now. I really don’t know what I want to do about it I have been looking into HRT so I can get information on the side effects of it. I have also been thinking about formally coming out about everything which is something I don’t think is anyone’s business, but doing so could help others so it’s big decision on my part. I still may not pursue HRT and transition from Male to Female getting SRS as I may just do HRT and swich from male to female from time to time as feeling call for it. Most likely I will not pursue HRT at all and just use a gaff to switch between genders as gender fluid as I have somewhat of a effeminate body type as I found out that amazon sells gaffs and one of them is padded to give more of a curvy figure which is what I would want if I were to switch between genders. As time passes I will keep posting updates on my feelings on this issue in my life and would take all suggestions to hart as I need all the help I can get. I am also trying to start a community center for LGBTQ+ youth called Safe Space as I’m sure I may have posted before, but I just want to touch on it again to get more funding for the startup process of the center and to get the resources I need to help in it’s startup and for LGBTQ+ youth that need information on anything LGBTQ+ related you can go to Safe Space Startup Donation.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s